Saturday, August 7, 2010

Top 11 Most Bizarre Pizzas

This entry has been a long time coming. I promised cindy a blog about pizza ideas and was almost there yesterday but my Opera browser was an evil whore and lost it all on me. Now, because I hate having to type all that crap over, I've turned this into yet another inane countdown!! Mwahahaha. So without further adieu, I present the 11 most bizarre, unique and fucked up pizza ideas I've found online so far. Why 11? Because I live to annoy you. Read on, soak up the useless pizza lore and maybe you can impress the shit out of your family tonight.

11. Breakfast Pizza. It's not for brunch, lunch, dinner or midnight snack anymore! Or.. wait, I used to have cold pizza for breakfast, why not just stick with that? Well, because we're innovative consumers, that's why. And foodies are always looking for different ways of shaking things up. Having pizza made with Turkey Sausage and Hash Browns is a great way to do that... apparently.

10. Dessert Pizza, much like this Mango Cream Cheese Pizza recipe I found. Now you can have pizza for every conceivable occasion! You can even make your Birthday Cake into a pizza!! Zomg! So if you have a fried egg and broccoli pizza for breakfast, and then a fig, grape and gorgonzola pizza for lunch, dominos for dinner and a strawberry and honey pizza for dessert, do yourself a favor- go run a triathalon and stay away from scales for the next few days. You'll understand why when you're giving yourself an anxiety attack trying to get into your work slacks.

9. Okonomiyaki, or Japanese Pizza. Which isn't really pizza per-se, it's more like a flat frittata with custom toppings. It looks pretty good and I will one day try it, but gawd! All that cabbage? You eat one of these suckers and you'd better make sure you have a clear path to your toilet or you're going to be in big trouble.

8. Japanese Pizza Hut. This is something you have to see to believe. Is this supposed to be some kind of gratuitous knock on American gluttony/obesity? Because according to one of the other sites I saw this pie on, one of the commenters said it looked delicious, and if he's American, I'd have to agree that the joke has merit.

7. Speaking of American gluttony and obesity, only we could invent something like the Fast Food Pizza. Otherwise known as the "portable coronary".

6. Gourmet Thai Chicken Pizza. The thing that freaks me out about this recipe more than anything is the thought of using peanut butter rather than tomato sauce.  For someone who's been spoiled to the best pizza in the world found only in Brooklyn, that's like... a holocaust of wrong.

5. Sauerkraut Pizza. Ew. But apparently, it's popular.

4. Dominoes Pizza has introduced the Oreo Pizza,  which you get FREE with any large pie. Yes, folks. Now you too can be formally introduced to diabetes. Would you let your child eat this? If I had a kid, I wouldn't even let them know this evil thing exists. I'd tell them their friend made it up to torment them.

3. Corndog Pizza, Donut Pizza, Spaghetti and Meatballs Pizza, Chocolate Pizza and Whatever The Fuck THIS Is. Ugh. *Facepalm* This is why America is fat.

2. Coca, a.k.a. If pizza spoke Spanish.  Eating one of these is like visiting an alternate dimension where the Spanish invented the pizza and not the Greeks. Here's a recipe using flatbread and sardines. Just in case you... lose your tastebuds or something.

And the number 1 most bizarre, outlandish pizza is.....


1. The Thousand Dollar Pizza.  This shameless, elitist creation has six different types of caviars and lobster. The best is that it's creator, Nino Selimaj said, "I think there is a demand. I have already sold one." Oh yay, you sold one, so now that means there will be a line around the block? New York's middle and lower class are being fucked up the ass more than enough without you having to insult us further by making a pizza you deem worthy of $125 a slice. Any schmuck can throw expensive ingredients on pizza and charge that much, and you are not only just that very schmuck, but you're a thief and a disgrace.

Look at that. Would you pay a thousand bucks for that?? Get the fuck out of here.

And on that note, I'll take my own advice. Hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you at the dinner table, bitches.

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