Friday, August 3, 2012

No Moo-Cow-Fuck-Milk in My Yogurt.

I'm on an inexhaustible quest to find dairy-free products that don't taste disgusting. Not because I'm lactose intolerant, I simply dislike it. This dislike goes way beyond that, especially as I grew into an adult and learned about all the horrible shit we do to cows during the milking process, both industrially, chemically and morally. There is no reason human beings should be ingesting the milk of another mammal. It's unhealthy and biologically disruptive, especially since they began using all those growth hormones and feeding cows stuff that makes them sick. I can get just as much calcium from a myriad of other, more wholesome sources without all that unnecessary fat. Aside from all these factors, to me it simply tastes like ass. Ever since I was a kid, I've hated cow milk. I used to lie and tell my teachers I was allergic, because they gave it to us all the time. Back in the good old days, we used to have parties in school with cake and were rewarded with cookies and milk when we did something well. Nobody worried about anybody getting fat or what kind of nasty poison they were putting in the cookies, and Cookie Monster had not yet began preaching his "sometimes food" bullshit that destroyed the damn show.

But I digress.

Milk was in everything, and the FDA pushed it on us like the neighborhood street pharmacist. Milk is good for your bones! It does a body good! Have four glasses of this shit a day! Milk was nasty ass butt toast of shit and I hated it the most out of everything drinkable on the earth, second only to tang. In fact, it took me a really long time to get used to cheese and yogurt for this reason. I still only like a small number of cheeses, and yogurts have to be loaded down with fruit and/or chocolate for me to touch them. Yet, I acknowledge that yogurt has cultures and stuff for my stomach and is good for me, plus I have the tooth issue. Now that all these food allergies are becoming a huge deal, companies are finally wisening up and putting out products that are dairy free, gluten free and soy free. There is an enormous market for them, mainly because the poisons in our food have messed us up so badly. In some cases, from birth.

My first stray from regular moo cow yogurt came in the form of this strawberry greek yogurt mess. It was in the middle of my shift, 3 in the morning and I found myself starving, in 7-11 and unprepared for lunch. I saw this thing and decided to give it a try. I knew that it's made with sheep's milk, it's lower in fat and it's supposed to lack that typical yogurt bitterness. Well, the taste was weird. Weirder than the thick, sour cream-like consistency. I ate most of it on the way back to my building out of sheer hunger but my stomach voided before I reached the front door. Ugh, it was awful. My body said, "fuck no" and just evicted the stuff like an ungrateful squatter, all over the sidewalk. Never, never again. Just the thought of trying it a 2nd time to make sure makes me sick to my stomach.

Alright, well my second dairy/gluten/soy free adventure in yogurt began when I laid eyes on this. It's yogurt made from coconut milk! At this point I had been drinking coconut milk for years and knew I loved the taste. I won't lie, my adventurous side went apeshit bonkers and I HAD to try it. Was it good? No. It wasn't as horribifuckus awful as the greek yogurt, but it took a lot of getting used to, and I barely finished it. As someone who loves anything coconut with a passion, this genuinely hurts me to say because I wanted to like it really badly. But I didn't. I even tired 3 different flavors just to be sure. Life is full of disappointments.

Next up to be experimented with was Swiss yogurt, which is still made with moo cow fuck milk, but lower fat, and without all those unnatural bovine hormones. I had the exact opposite experience as with the coconut-- I really liked this. Once I got over the initial strength of the foretaste, it became creamy, silky, dessert-ish and very flavorful. I was surprised. This is a rare treat because of how expensive and hard to find it is, but I would recommend this taste test to anyone. They even have some odd flavors you won't find much in other brands, like green apple, black cherry and apricot. Ideal for the adventure-seeking foodie. Kudos to emmi for making a moo cow fuck milk product I actually enjoy.


Next up on the list is almond yogurt, which is not easy to find on a google image search because of how new it is. I tried the strawberry Almond Breeze brand just earlier tonight from Whole Foods with some fresh assorted berries. Much like the swiss yogurt, it had a strong foretaste, (it was more like being punched in the forehead with the taste of almond) but mixed with the fruit it was divine. Now that I think about it, I never tried the coconut yogurt with fruit. Maybe I'll try it a 4th time this way, just for good measure. But yeah, almond yogurt is pretty good if you have it the right way, and really REALLY like almond. You can even bake with the stuff. It's sweet, creamy, much healthier for you and without all those harmful chemicals you won't even miss.


Soy yogurt. Sadly, I have never tried this, mainly because I haven't gotten up the nerve yet. I think if I'm going to try any flavor, it will be the chocolate. I just can't imagine strawberry soy tasting any good, mainly because I'm not a terribly huge fan of soy. But, for the sake of adventurism and being thorough, I will have to try this next time I visit Trader Joe's.

Rice yogurt is another one I haven't tried, but only because I just found out about it while doing google searches for this post. When I find it and give it a test drive, I'll be sure to let you know if it's any less disgusting than rice pasta.


If you have any experiences with these types of yogurt and want to add something, wanna point out that some of my past recipes have used cheese, or just generally wanna tell me what a cow bigot I am, feel free to comment. I won't hold it against you, in fact I would probably agree. I'm a much thinner, happier person since I stopped ingesting moo cow fuck milk. You should try cutting it out, or at least down as well. You might find you enjoy some of this stuff better.

Just so you know, the "Moo Cow Fuck Milk" phrase isn't mine. It belongs to the greatest comedian of our age. No arguments!! Lewis Black is the best!!! Fuck you and your Dane Cook.

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