Thursday, October 14, 2010

Tis The Season-- For Pumpkins!!


When I was really little, my mother and I would prepare whole pumpkins. We'd make pies and cookies out of the meat and bake up the seeds. It took a long time, but the house smelled heavenly and we were at our happiest. Those are some of my best memories, and today I feel like reliving them.My mom and I never did pumpkin quite this way, but the act of preparing it made my soul smile the way it used to when she was alive and well. I miss her very much.  
Spiced Pumpkin

Ingredients

  • 1 pie pumpkin (Those medium to small ones, their meat is sweeter)
  • 1 delicata squash (optional- I had one and decided to bake them both up together)
  • _
  • Since this was the first time I attempted making pumpkin by myself, I experimented with two types of seasoning:
  • 1. 1/2 stick of non-hydrogenated margarine, 2 Tbspns packed brown sugar, and lots of the following spices- Jamaican Jerk Seasoning, Smoked Paprika, Parsley and Sea Salt.
  • 2. A sweet rub made out of the following- About 1/3 Cup of Honey, 1 Tbspn packed Brown Sugar, Cumin, Nutmeg, Sage, Parsley, Chili and Garlic Powder, Salt and Pepper.
  • Water for the bottom of each pan.
  • Note: I don't include much measurements for the spices because my taste buds are damaged and I use a lot more than you will. Use what you feel appropriate, this way you and your family will enjoy it better to your specifications.

How to make it

  • Preheat oven to 400F. Prepare pumpkin by removing the stem, cutting it in half from the top and spooning out all the seeds and gunk from the center, the way you would a cantaloupe. Same thing with the delicata squash, but be careful with the knife; my friend took part of her finger off slicing acorn squash once so I cannot stress enough to pay attention when you cut them!!
  • Rinse the halves well, inside and out, pat dry with paper towels.
  • I cut them into chunks to eat them easier, you don't have to. Place into pan skin-side down and put a thin layer of water at the bottom so they don't burn.
  • The first seasoning I tried (With Jamaican Jerk) I made in a small pyrex pot separately. Melt the butter, stirring often to prevent burning and remove from heat when nearly melted, continue stirring until brown sugar is blended in smoothly. Add spices to taste, be careful as the Jamaican Jerk is spicy. Add the rest of the spices, blend well and spread evenly over the pumpkin and squash.
  • The second seasoning mix I tried was less spicy and more sweet. Though I admit, I liked the first one better, even though it kind of upset my stomach a little.) Mix the honey, sugar and spices in a separate bowl until it becomes a thick gel, then spread it liberally and evenly over the pumpkin and squash meat.
  • _
  • Bake vegetables at 400F for an hour. Remove, let sit for a few moments and enjoy. The skin is edible at this point but out of sheer habit, I only eat the meat. By all rights you can scoop out the meat and mash if it you'd like as well, but I like this as-is.
_____________________________________________________________________

Mmmm, roasted pumpkin seeds. These are rewarding to make, easy to snack on, healthy for you, and amazingly good. Pumpkin seeds are high in Iron, Protein, Omega-6 fatty acids, Potassium, Magnesium and Zinc. They also work wonders for treating depression. You can roast up the squash seeds too this way, but I didn't know that at the time so I threw them away. Oh well, something to look forward to next time! 
Spiced Roasted Pumpkin Seeds

Ingredients

  • 1 Pie Pumpkin worth of seeds, rinsed thoroughly
  • 2 tspns Butter
  • 1 Tbspn each: Sea salt, Chili Powder, Smoked Paprika, Brown Sugar

How to make it

  • Preheat oven to 300F.
  • Melt butter and spices in a separate pot and blend well.
  • Add to seeds and mix very well for several minutes.
  • Spread the spiced seeds on a flat baking tray and cook in 300F oven for 45 minutes or until golden brown, making sure to stir them around sometime in the middle.
  • These are best eaten warm with an extra dusting of brown sugar over them. If you're making this and the pumpkin meat in the same day, make sure to roast these up first. Once you have the oven at 400, it will take at least 2 hours for the oven to cool enough to roast anything at a lesser temperature.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Top 11 Common, Yet Toxic Foods

Everybody knows you aren't supposed to eat things like rattlesnake, blowfish or mandrake root because it'll kill you at 20 paces. But these are foods you probably eat, love and have at least several times a week. When they're prepared or cooked improperly, they might be the thing that ends you.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't meant to deter you from eating the things you love, I'm merely here to educate. And maybe annoy you a little, that's always fun.

[=D

And now onto the countdown of top 11 most toxic, yet common foods. Why 11? Because I want to get into Doug Walker's pants.

*Pauses* What? Who said that??

Okay, I'm kidding. But you know what they say about imitation and flattery, don't you? 

*Clears throat*


 11. Mushrooms
We've all been warned against these things. They're fungi, they've been known to grow out of poop, they're slimy and gross, and can even mess with our brain chemicals...but you know what? Mushrooms can be really delicious, good for you and they're a natural muscle relaxant. There are over 14,000 different types of mushrooms in the world; out of that number, a good 3,000 of those are edible, and 700 of those have incredible medicinal properties. As fearful as you may be, remember that fewer than 1% of all mushroom types are recognized as poisonous. Out of that 1% are mushrooms like the Death Cap, which are often confused for the Paddy Straw mushroom. They contain seven different toxins and one bite can lead to a nasty death. Mr. Gottfried of Gourmet Garage said, "The death cap is doubly dangerous because people can pick it in the infantile stage before its characteristics become clear.'' There is also Gyromitra, which is often confused for Morrel; ingestion can cause seizures, tissue hypoxia and renal failure.
I found this great website from MDC Online called Safe Mushroom Hunting that differentiates between edible mushrooms and the poisonous ones, complete with images! It's really cool, you should check it out.

10: Akee
This tropical West African fruit is both delicious and dangerous, and served as food mostly in Jamaica; in fact, Akee and Saltfish is their national dish. Despite the fruit being so high in vitamins and protein, only the inner, fleshy yellow arils are consumed, and they MUST be allowed to fully ripen and open naturally before they're harvested. If the fruit is eaten before it is fully ripe, it prevents glucose from being released from the liver, quickly lowering the blood sugar and ensuring violent illness or death.  Symptoms of vomiting, seizures, and fatal hypoglycemia follow the ingestion of the unripe fruit that locals call “Jamaican Vomiting Sickness.”

9. Apricot Seeds
Don't be alarmed, but many fruits of the rose family contain cyanogenetic glycosides, which upon ingestion release hydrogen cyanide gas. These include seeds from cherries, apples, plums, almonds, and peaches. Have you ever broken open a peach pit out of sheer curiosity and like me, found what looks to be an almond? I know someone who ate one of those almonds once and said it was terribly bitter. You know what else tastes of bitter almond? Arsenic. The reason you aren't supposed to eat apple seeds is because they will get you sick for this very reason. Even ingesting too much apple juice and apple sauce will have the same effect because the factories don't core the apples before processing, they just toss them in whole and the seeds are ground up along with everything else. After many years of experimentation, I've found that you shouldn't have more than 2 cups of apple juice a day. For apple sauce, up to 2/3 Cup a day is alright. Although it would take a staggering amount of these seeds to actually kill you, it's been known to happen in Turkey, a large apricot grower, because people go on binges who don't know any better and end up fertilizing them instead.


8. Cassava
I see these things all the time at local markets but had no idea what they were or how to make them. Cassava, also called yuca or manioc is a tropical vegetable originally from South America, but has gained popularity in Africa, particularly for its juice, which can be fermented to produce a drink called piwarry. This vegetable is really high in carbs, I mean, we're talking the third highest carb-rich food in the world. It's also a really good source of calcium, phosphorus and vitamin c. What's the down side? The leaves and roots of cassava are alarmingly rich in cyanide. As a result, cassava must be cooked properly to detoxify it before it is eaten. According to wikipedia, cassava varieties are often categorized as either sweet or bitter, signifying the absence or presence of toxic levels of cyanogenic glucosides. The so-called sweet (actually not bitter) cultivars can produce as little as 20 milligrams of cyanide per kilogram of fresh roots, whereas bitter ones may produce more than 50 times as much. Cassavas grown during drought are especially high in these toxins. A dose 40 mg of pure cassava cyanogenic glucoside is sufficient to kill a cow. Tapioca is made from this as well and has the same dangers if prepared improperly.


7. Rhubarb
People eat the stalks rather than the leaves for good reason; the large, triangular leaves are high enough in oxalate and corrosive acid to be toxic. I also found out that cooking the leaves with soda can make them more poisonous by producing soluble oxalates, which can cause hypocalcemia with muscle weakness and even osteodystrophia fibrosa in especially large doses. When properly cooked, however, rhubarb stalks, which are significantly lower in oxalic acid, can be quite delicious; sweet, soft and tart, often made in pies and other pastries. Rhubarb has also been used as a strong laxative for at least 5,000 years.

6. Potatoes
Yeah, you read right, potatoes. Personally, I love them. They're filling, relatively cheap, and your culinary options with using them are near limitless. However, they also contain glycoalkaloids (solanine and chaconine), toxic compounds which are more prevalent in the wild potato varieties...which interestingly enough are considered rare and endangered species. There are about 93 different species in Peru and 39 in Bolivia. Most are being cross-cultivated with other species and are disappearing quickly. They are a member of the nightshade family and as I spoke of in an earlier post, cause inflammation to the human body. Cooking potatoes at high temperatures mostly removes their toxin, although headaches, diarrhea, and cramps, and in some rare cases, coma and death may still occur. One thing I should also note is that once peeled, a potato will begin to oxidize- or turn brown. This process can be prevented by submerging the peeled vegetable completely in water. If it's allowed to turn brown and consumed, it can make a person very, very ill. My father was a chef in the Navy and can attest very passionately to this, having peeled more than his share of potatoes himself.


5. Chocolate
I know this countdown won't dissuade you chocoholics out of indulging in your passion, (especially during *that* time of the month) but I urge you to take a closer look at the dangers of overindulgence. For instance, it contains the alkaloid theobromine, which in unusually high doses can be toxic to humans. The cocoa bean is loaded with caffeine, more than soda, more than even coffee. Giving it to kids is like loading them up with speed. It can cause ADHD in large amounts, and since it's always loaded with sugar as well, it can cause heart disease, hardening of arteries and diabetes. Dark chocolate especially (which I am personally addicted to) has so much potassium that it's illegal to sell more than a certain percentage of cocao within the US. Yes, potassium is an essential electrolyte, but large doses can cause your organs to shut down, and it's the preferred method of death that Dr. Kavorkian used to euthanize his patients. I will never tell you not to indulge in chocolate once in a while, believe me. It's high in anti-oxidants, restoring cells and lowering blood pressure. Just remember it's meant as a treat, and treats, like everything else are always better in moderation.


4. Coffee
I know wenchie is going to kill me for this one, but her beloved coffee has definitely earned a place on this list. First and foremost, coffee is a drug. This has been proven by countless studies, and I've even seen it on a personal level when those I know have gone a day or two without it and encountered tremors, headaches and intense cravings. Coffee is the number one cause of cancer of the esophagus. Drinking it inhibits the release of natural brain opiates that make you feel good and counteracts pain. Because it stimulates the nervous system so drastically, it causes a variety of nervous disorders, such as shaking, trembling and Restless Legs Syndrome. The caffeine found in coffee is known as "dead" caffeine; unlike bio-active caffeine found in green and black tea. After it stimulates the nervous system, it is followed by a depressed phase resulting in exhaustion, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, and often headache. It constricts blood vessels of the brain and causes decreased flow of blood which cuts the oxygen supply to the brain, resulting in gradual brain damage. It also increases your heartbeat 15% and makes your lungs work 13 times harder than normal. That information, along with plenty more can be found at this website, if you don't believe me. Once again, I will state that having it as an occasional treat won't be this detrimental, but I wouldn't be surprised if this becomes a controlled substance in the future.


3. Hot Dogs
The problem with kids is that their taste buds are so sensitive that they often dislike all but the blandest and most processed of foods. It's easy to give into them, if just so they don't starve to death, and I've never met a kid who didn't go absolutely gaga over wieners. I loved them myself when I was younger, and will still indulge in a properly burnt frank from a BBQ once in a while. But gawd, they have to be one of the grossest, most questionable foods in the whole world. Do you know what goes into them? Really? Giant machines purée meat into batter, then into a fine emulsion and then vacuums out any air before producing long rolls of cellulose tubing that are tied, cut and packaged. It's a stomach-churning procedure that makes me never want to eat them again. Aside from how they're processed and stored, there are other dangers lurking about. Pregnant women are 20 times more likely to contract listeriosis from undercooked hot dogs and deli meats than normal, which could kill their baby. The American Academy of Pediatrics says hot dogs are also a choking hazard to children and should come with a warning label. About 17% of food-related asphyxiations in those younger than 10 are caused by hot dogs. On the flip side, I did find out that hot dogs aren't made of leftover scraps, pig snouts or the cow hooves; they are specially selected cuts of real meat, albeit fatty meat loaded with salt and preservatives, that are probably healthier than the chicken nuggets (which mostly contain fat, bone, tissue and bread fillers) you served to your kids last night. As long as your hot dogs are properly cooked and cut up into bite-sized pieces, you can serve them occasionally and everything will be alright.


2. Shellfish
Bivalve Mollusks such as mussels, clams, oysters and scallops are filter feeders and can accumulate high levels of toxics including domoic acid, produced by microscopic algae. The toxins responsible for most shellfish poisonings are water-soluble, are heat and acid-stable, and are not inactivated by ordinary cooking methods; in high dosages, they can lead to death.  Aside from illnesses, Hepatitis A, Norwalk virus, Vibrio parahaemolyticus, and Vibrio vulnificus all have been transmitted through shellfish ingestion. Native Americans are known to have warned early settlers to avoid shellfish during the summer months. This is because toxic outbreaks often are associated with algal blooms of single-celled dinoflagellates, which can cause a red-brown discoloration of the water. This is known as red tide, and is favored by warmer weather. This phenomenon has led to the general teaching in North America that shellfish are safe to eat only if harvested in a month containing the letter "R." Could I go the rest of my life without shellfish? Probably, but it's so delicious and good for me, I don't want to. The trick is to only buy your seafood from reputable dealers, markets, or grocery stores. Never eat it raw, even at your favorite sushi joint. You can learn more about how to avoid shellfish poisoning here. Above all else, make sure this too is an occasional treat, as too much shellfish can also cause gout, and nobody wants to deal with that.

And now... the number one most toxic, yet every day food in the entire world is.....


****Drumroll****
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1. McDonald's
 Let's face facts, you and everyone you know have probably eaten there at least once. This multinational corporate giant is everywhere, it's almost impossible to escape. We don't often have time to cook or sit down at a normal restaurant, so we run in and grab something quick off the dollar menu. Maybe a bit more often than we'd like to admit. But the more I learn about this company, the way it's run, the food it puts out and what this food will eventually do to my body, it has made me swear it off forever.

First of all, the company's main focus isn't on food, it's on real estate. They buy up every available lot simply because it's harder to escape that way. McDonald's is one of several giant corporations with investments in vast tracts of land in poor countries, sold to them by the money-hungry rulers (often military) and privileged elites, evicting the small farmers that live there growing food for their own people. They say they use recycled paper, but only a tiny per cent of it is. The truth is it takes 800 square miles of rainforest just to keep them supplied with paper for one year. McDonald's and Burger King are two of the many US corporations using lethal poisons to destroy vast areas of Central American rainforest to create grazing pastures for cattle to be sent back to the States as burgers and pet food, and to provide fat-food packaging materials that end up as litter anyway.

The food itself can hardly be classified as food at all. It's JUNK; high in fat, sugar, MSG, animal products and salt (sodium), and low in fiber, vitamins and minerals. This kind of diet has been linked with cancers of the breast and bowel, high blood pressure, liver spots and heart disease. Monosodium Glutimate, or MSG is highly addictive and has been known to cause brain damage, cell death as well as ADHD and autism in children. Shall I even broach the obesity issue that's linked directly to McDonald's food? Not only is it complete junk for your body, all that fried oil that never digests and messes up your arteries and liver, but they encourage you to eat it fast too. Most locations have signs up giving their guests a 20 minute sitting limit. That means you have to gobble up all this junk as quick as you can, adding digestive problems to the long laundry list of issues you'll have just from the food itself.

This absolutely has earned the number 1 spot on my most toxic foods list, because I would rather eat each and every food on the list a hundred times than go for a McNasty burger ever again. If you've never seen the documentary, SuperSize Me, I suggest you do so. You can see it in several parts on YouTube for free.
For those who live in the US and can see on it Hulu, the link to the entire film is here.

I know this countdown was more preachy than entertaining, but at the very least I hope you learned something. Besides, I haven't been in much of a humorous mood lately. Maybe that'll change after December 1st when I get my life back. Who knows? Until then, I'll see you at the dinner table, bitches.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Bread Dough- An Escape

Things have gotten really complicated here. I broke up with Tammy but she has nowhere else to go and her mom can't afford to move her, so she begged me to keep her for 3 months until she gets her inheritance. In the meantime, things are tense and awkward, so I try not to socialize. Last night instead of having to deal with life and all the bullshit I've let myself get into, I buried myself into my cooking. I mean I went really out there, more than I usually do because I absolutely did not want to interact. I've never been very good at making doughs by hand, but I didn't have much to lose so last night I gave home made chicken and broccoli bundles a try. I had no money to go out and buy dough, so I needed to make it. But what's this? No rolling pin? Of course not, I never make my own doughs so why would I own one? A good substitute in a bind is a wine bottle.


Seriously.

Once they're a decent size, you put a bit of filling in, close 'em up, making sure to leave a few vent holes in the top...

Brushing the top with some olive oil and parsley for color, bake at 350 for 40 minutes (because it takes about that long to clean up the mess of flour you just made of the kitchen) and when they're done...

I gotta admit, they weren't half bad.

It didn't look half bad either.

And look, even what's his face from Buffy liked the looks of it.

The dough needed a lot of work, but practice does make perfect. I'm not even really sure of the measurements I used but I can tell you what went into it:

AP Flour, obviously 
Chicken stock
2 eggs
A packet of chicken and mushroom powder from a ramen soup package
Sugar, salt, pepper 
Lots of vegetable oil

I wrapped it up in cling wrap and left it to set in the fridge for about a half hour before rolling it. And no, I wasn't following a recipe, I was just throwing shit together which is why it came out as bland as it did. If I had to do it over, I would add cold butter and baking powder. 

 This was a healthy experiment. I think next time I will attempt to tackle Native American frybread. =)

Anyway, this has been How To Avoid Facing Life For Two Hours 101. Next time I'll teach you how to make an incendiary device  using orange juice concentrate. I'm kidding, ain't no way the feds are breaking down MY door, go look that shit up yourself.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Three's A Party- A Fattening, Expensive One

If you haven't already seen the Santa Rosalia post, please do so, or you'll be missing the best part of this story!



This was my chicken empanada en route back to the house. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I was starving out of my mind. I couldn't even wait to get the stuff home, but I also wanted a pic of it before it was gone. So this was me balancing the food, Tammy's mom's pizza and taking the picture all at once. Am I just the man or what? lol





Yeah, she got pizza. We were at a place she could have gotten a variety of awesome dishes that wouldn't be around much longer, and all she wanted was pizza. That's like being in Italy and ordering Chinese food. The way she explained it was that in New Hampshire, the pizza sucks. Well, doy. If you've been spoiled to Brooklyn pizza your whole life, no other place outside of it will fill that void. Ever. You'll just be living in a....pathetic...pizzaless...existence. Without decent pizza. Forever. Deal with it.





Tammy ordered the sausage and peppers on a roll, which might I say looked delicious. I would have if I could have, believe me.



*Gasp* But what's this??





Then her hero took a twisted turn into a dark corner I wasn't prepared for....she added... sliced cheese? Really?? Eew.





Noooo! This is so wrong. If anyone ever figures out what's mentally off with that girl, could you please clue me in? Thanks.





She had one of these too, and I'm glad she enjoyed because holy crap on a stick, they were $4 a piece. Hardly seems worth it, especially when you have to slather it in mustard first.





I had another empanada left, and I wanted to eat it but there was more pressing business to attend to.





Oh, hell yeah. The moment I've been waiting all year for has finally arrived. *Mouth watering* ZEPPOLES!! Crispy, doughy, sugary, sweet, oily, deep fried mother fucking GODLINESS!! And I didn't just have one, I managed to finish two of them. /=D





Oh yes. We had some deep fried oreos too. Tams asked for 12 of them, actually. But I didn't hate my arteries that much, I just had one. It was sinful, and between that and the other fried food, it sat in my stomach like a giant cinderblock. *sniffles*




 Yes. Yes it was. Last night was like an episode of Man vs. Food and the food kicked my ass. It was cruel, divine, downright abusive and made me throw up a little, but I would do it all again.





But wait, folks, that's not all! Remember that dessert stand? Yeah, I got myself a little chocolate covered treat. I figured it was my last day of splurging, so what the hell!!





I got a stick of chocolate covered strawberries, and just to go out with an extra bang, I got me one of these too...





Oh yeah, that's chocolate covered pineapple chunks with peanut dusting on it.




As much as I wanted to nom these up, this is quite literally as far as I got before my stomach reached critical mass. I sat for almost a half hour because I couldn't move. So disappointing. I eventually waddled over to Dani's and promised I'd bring what was left over to her house so it wouldn't go to waste.

And that, my loyal readers, is it. I will be a good boy from now on. I will exercise, stick to my diet, shape up and fly right from here on in. But thanks to this blog, I can relive these memories whenever I want. I tell ya, it'll sure be a lot easier on my poor stomach.

 *Belch* As it stands, I never want to eat another thing as long as I live. We'll see how long that lasts once I start feeling better.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Santa Rosalia!!

Oh my god.

OH MY GOD-- It's HERE!!!!

That's right, it's the 18th avenue feast! The most awesomest food/drink/rides/music street fair South Brooklyn has to offer. (Aside from the Saint Gennaro's Feast on 3rd avenue which is way bigger) I've been going to the 18th avenue feast since I was a baby. And you know what? Even though it's been cut down several blocks and now has a 10pm curfew due to gang incidents, I still get that impatient thrill walking up to it, like I can't wait the few blocks I have left, I want to BEAM there.

Look at this, I couldn't even wait until we were there to start taking pictures. lol Tams and her mom were walking SO S L O W and I was so excited about this that I had to fight the urge to run ahead and leave them behind.

But I've always been this way about the feast, you know? It boggles my mind that the feeling never went away. Anyway, you can see here they have a lot of rides. They have them on either end and as much as I used to love them when I was a kid, I knew I wouldn't get to go on any now. Not only did I not have the stomach for all that motion, I knew the food we came for was going to cost me an arm, a leg and my firstborn, so I had to take it easy.

Besides, a grown man going gaga over a ferris wheel just isn't dignified.

I got a nice shot of the view into the feast from where I was standing.

When it gets dark, they usually have live bands playing. The music wasn't always the best, but it was so loud, and the crowd was buzzing and the energy was so intense that you often didn't care.

The first thing that hits you about the feast is the smell of food, which is probably the number one reason people go there. And the number one food you will find there is the sausage and pepper stands. They are everywhere!!!



Looking at that, you can't tell me you don't suddenly want sausage now. I love the taste of sausage, but cannot eat it unless it's been boiled to death. Even a small bite of one of these babies would have me violently ill all night long.

But I can still admire from afar. Just so you know, "braciole" is pronounced brah-joll which is a traditional Italian dish; a really thin slice of beef, pork or chicken made into a rolaude, in this case with cheese inside. It's also a term young, stupid Italian dudes use as a reference to their penis.

In recent years, the myriad of Italian food has given way to lots and lots of Latino Comida. This is a good thing- variety is the spice of life, and I absofuckinglutely LOVE latin food.

It may be greasy and fatty and spicy, and make my stomach want to curl up and die, but gods help me, I can't get enough of it.

OM NOM NOM NOM! And you know what, not many people can get away with a portable pit fire. These mother fuckers know how to cook a steak.

Imagine those babies when they're done, after hours and hours of being slow roasted like that?? AUGH! I'm still full as hell but this makes me want to cram somebody's foot down my throat, maybe it'll free up a little bit of room near my colon.

Is this not the biggest steak you've ever seen in your entire life?? I know it's hard to tell from pictures, but this megazord steak was probably more than half the size of me.

They still had a lot of the old favorites though, like the fish stand/clam bar. I steered clear of it because of how retardedly expensive it was...but man, everything looked so frickin' good.

The other top food you'll find there are the zeppoles. Oh, zeppoles and I go WAY back, and so I abandoned my diet for just one final day, if just to enjoy these once more. Even my friend, Dani made an exception for these babies, and she has Celiac's Disease. Trust me, they're worth it.

You know what, even if you somehow manage to resist the deep fried mounds of pizza dough, there will be something there that will make you splurge, like this caramel apple assortment perhaps?

Or these magnificent chocolate covered marshmallows?

Or wait.... maybe a funnel cake, or... a deep fried oreo cookie? Oh yes, they can do that.

And they are just as dangerous as you think they are.

And even if the sweets don't tempt you, the feast has alcohol in pretty souvenir glasses too. I defy you to walk away from that! Unless you're like me and don't drink. Then.. well, it's not so alluring. *Awkward silence*

[=/

Anyhow, as amazing as the food looks and smells, it isn't the only reason people come to the feast.

When I was a kid, I used to love the old toss a ping pong ball into the fishbowl and win a goldfish game. Of course it was likely that fish would be dead by the time my parents and I got it home, but at least it wasn't completely rigged like the other games.

See? Look, we have another winner. Of course you have to go to the real win a fish game, and don't be fooled by cheap imitations.

Fail. A real Brooklynite can always tell the difference.

There are a few other games you can try without the fear of a fixed game, like the "Soak the Bloke"- yes, it really does say "Soak the Bloke". LOL

I wonder who this poor schmuck managed to piss off to land himself a gig like that? Sucks to be him.

The squirt waterguns into a clowns mouth and make the balloon pop game was always a favorite too. A little secret? The sound of the balloons popping *still* makes me jump. ^ _ ^ It looks empty, but that's because it wasn't even 7pm yet. By dusk, the streets are packed and you'll have to squeeze your way past and wait twenty minutes for a turn at this game. It really is that popular. It's like that at Coney Island too.

The recent knock off of the clown water game is the shoot waterguns into a weird looking dodgeball-type thing until the frog stuffie thing hits the top of the stick game. You're guaranteed a winner every time. Though most of the time, the winner isn't me. But hey, if I can figure out how to get into that announcer girl's tiny little skirt, I wouldn't mind losing out on the stuffed prize, cos I'd be too busy stuffing a prize of my own. ;)

Oh yeah. I have no idea wtf was going on with this...

Always, ALWAYS be wary of games like these. Target games like the crossbow, shotgun, balloon darts, anything that has to do with a wheel, basketball or softball targets, they are always rigged for you to lose. The guys who stand over them will talk smooth and practically try to shove the darts, balls or whatever into your hands, but don't do it, you're throwing your money away. Also, there are these plexiglass boxes where you put a quarter in and it's supposed to roll down and knock either a bunch of other quarters into a slot for you to grab, or get you a prize. Those are totally rigged as well.

There's a dirty little secret behind the Santa Rosalia feast, but if I told you what it was, I'd have to go into the witness protection program, if you know what I mean. By the way, that's the statue of Santa Rosalia covered in donations, found somewhere in the middle of the festival.

Peppered in between the rides, games and food, there's all kinds of crap you can buy that you don't need. Like jewelry, purses, electronics, and these food-shaped magnets you see here. Cheap enough to catch your eye, but enough of them add up to a fortune if you're not careful. But which ones to choose!!

There are several Mexican and Native-American stands filled with tempting impulse buys, a lot of which you can only find at pow-wows. (And although we all love pow-wows, we can't always get off work, afford the $12 entrance fee or withstand an emotional breakdown at the possibility of running into an ex. This is just far more convenient.)

Oh yes, and the mirror thingie booth. This thing is the biggest fucking chick magnet I've ever seen in my life. No woman on the face of the earth can resist the idea of getting a pretty key chain mirror with their pet's name, boyfriend's name, or even their OWN name inscribed on it.

Hell, you can even get a realistic looking tattoo airbrushed onto your flesh. Ain't that cool? And while you're at it, take a picture on a giant couch with all your BFFs and then go get a fake palm and tarot reading for $20 and let them talk you into cleaning out your chakras for an additional $55.

Towards the end, which is actually the beginning if you're coming from the lower streets up, there are more rides. There were groups of policemen there too, who did not want their pictures taken no matter how much I pitifully begged.


This is where all the stuff for the really little kids was. And yes, when I was that little, and even when I was a bit too big but my mom wanted to shut me the fuck up, I hopped away on these things quite merrily.

But yo, seriously? Even at 6 years old I would have been gravely offended by this abysmal depiction of the Dark Knight.

Can you believe that? C'mon, I can put a pen in between my ass cheeks and draw him better than that. Why is nobody fucking paying ME!?!?!

Fuh. Anyway, stay tuned for more antics when the three of us took all this food home and had ourselves a party. Join in! It'll be fun, and way less painful than that gawd awful Batman drawing.