Aw, crap.

I forgot to take pictures at the Pow-wow because my friend showed up massively late and we didn't have time to eat or see all the tents before they closed up. It was the last day too. Ah well, maybe next year. Besides, I'm changing my diet around to eat healthier so grease-laden frybread just isn't a good idea for me right now. But I have been cooking a little bit, even though it's a thousand degrees in my shitty attic apartment. But a dude's gotta eat and I'm trying to save up money to move. The biggest obstacle is remembering to take pics when I do cook. When I get better at this, you'll be the first to know.

Holy Shit, I Have Followers??

Seriously? Crap, now I have to do more cooking. I live alone now because Tammy is FINALLY gone and since I hate cooking for myself I simply haven't... but that's no excuse. I'll get my ass back into the kitchen and whip up something more elaborate than ramen noodles and newman's own cereal sometime during my upcoming vacation in early june. I recently got a bread machine in order to strengthen one of my major culinary weak points. I plan on doing this challah recipe very soon for the birthday of a new...errmmm, friend? Yeah, it kinda is what you think, and he'll be joining me on a trip to Gateway To The Nations Pow-Wow in two weeks, which is somewhere I haven't been in years. Oh, the music! Oh, the dancing! And of course-- Oh, the FOOD! You know I'll be doing a blog on those amazing caribou burgers, Navajo Tacos, alligator meat and marinated venison steaks. This is gonna kick so much ass. Stay tuned!!

Cooking With Cadbury Eggs

Just 1 cadbury egg alone provides 800% of your daily fat and calories... so let's see how far we can push the boundaries of decadence. What you know about Easter, bitch?? I'm about to blow this shit up, fat motha fucka style, yo.


Deep Fried Cadbury Caramel Egg
6-8 Cadbury Caramel Eggs (frozen)
1 egg
2/3 cup milk
2 TBSP dark brown sugar
1 TBSP Lyle’s Golden Syrup
1 ¼ cup flour
¼ tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder

In a deep skillet, heat about four cups of oil over medium-high heat until hot.


Test the temperature by dropping a pinch of flour into the hot oil. If it sizzles right away without smoking, it’s perfect.


Beat egg and milk. Mix all other ingredients in a separate bowl and slowly add to the egg mixture, beating until smooth.


Dip frozen Caramel Eggs into batter.


Fry for about 2-3 minutes, remove from the oil when golden brown and crispy and place on paper towel to get excess oil.


Sprinkle with powdered sugar and serve.

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Cadbury Creme Egg Cupcake

1/4 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup golden corn syrup
3 cups icing sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
yellow food colouring (optional)
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
2 eggs, separated
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
3 ounces unsweetened chocolate, roughly chopped
2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
1 ¼ cups milk
1/2 cup chocolate chips
1/4 cup butter, softened


First you will want to prep the "creme egg" filling. Beat 1/4 cup of the soft butter until fluffy. Add syrup, icing sugar and 1 teaspoon vanilla and beat until well combined. If desired, stir in some yellow food colouring until a pale yellow. Reserve in fridge and let set up.

Turn oven on to 350F. Grease a muffin tin and line with paper cups. In a double boiler melt the unsweetened chocolate, stirring regularly. You can start mixing the cupcake batter while it melts and then turn the double boiler off when the chocolate is melted. These cupcakes are easiest in a mixer, but can be done with a hand mixer or even an able pair of hands. Beat butter until light and fluffy and add in sugar until well combined. Separate the egg whites into a large bowl and beat the egg yolks into the sugar one at a time. Slowly add in melted chocolate and vanilla.

In a separate bowl whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Alternately fold in dry ingredients and milk in a few batches. Don't over mix! Beat the egg whites to soft peaks and fold in.

Divide the batter into the muffins cups. Remove the creme filling from the fridge and roll out 12 balls no bigger than a centimeter in diameter. In the centre of each cupcake press in a ball of filling as deep as possible. Sprinkle with chocolate chips. Bake for 35 minutes.

Transfer cupcakes to a rack and let cool.

In the meantime combine the last 1/4 cup of butter with the remaining creme filling and beat until uniform. Transfer to a piping bag. The cupcakes should have little holes in the middle. Put your icing into a piping bag and pipe a dollop into the centre of each cupcake. Amazing when eaten just a little bit warm, of course then you risk the icing melting, but it really isn't that bad now is it?

Yields 12 cupcakes.
This recipe actually came with a warning:  Sweet mother of all things that are merciful on this planet, make these cupcakes at your own peril. Your teeth will hurt, your entire kitchen will be sticky, and you will need to buy new jeans. Is this supposed to deter me?

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Cadbury Egg Cookies

1/2 c. butter, softened
1 1/2 c. shortening
2 c. sugar
1 c. brown sugar
4 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
2 tsp salt
2 tsp baking soda
5 c. flour
1 lg bag of Cadbury Eggs, crushed.

Mix butter and shortening together until light and fluffy, and then add your sugars, mixing until light and fluffy. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix well and then add dry ingredients. Mix well. Stir in Cadbury eggs reserving some to sprinkle on the tops of the cookies. Bake at 375 for 10-12 minutes. If they look a little doughy still, let them cool and they will be perfect.

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And if you can't find these little suckers anywhere, the internets has brought you a way to make your own. Oh joy!!


Ingredients:
170g (1/2 cup) light corn syrup (or golden syrup if you're across the pond)
58g (1/4 cup) butter, room temperature
375g (3 cups) confectioner's powdered sugar (icing sugar)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 teaspoon salt
yellow food coloring
1 (12 ounce) bag milk chocolate chips

To make actual hollow eggs with the filling inside, you'll need to acquire some egg molds. Alternatively, you can form the filling and dip it in the chocolate. If you choose the dipping method, you may consider adding 2 teaspoons of non-hydrogenated vegetable shortening to the chocolate to thin it and make it easier for dipping.

Try making them on a stick too, it's awesome! Ah, sometimes being a fatass is so much fun.



BOK!! Happy Easter, everyone!

Sassy's Rice Krispies Bars!

As promised, I finally made sassy's award-winning recipe for my nephew's 6th birthday party, and they were delicious! Check this out.



First you add 1 cup of granulated sugar and 1 cup of corn syrup to a pot and boil. As you know, I've been on a diet this past month and so for me to work with this much sugar and corn syrup was a bit gross at first. But I've learned that working with corn syrup is really easy. It helps melt sugar quick, doesn't burn and even after it solidifies, heating it up again makes it just as easy to scoop up as before.  But gods help you once it gets into the sink, you need to soak that shit right away or you're fucked.




After the cup of peanut butter was added and blended (I used smart balance, it's all I had) you add a full 6 cups of rice krispies to the mixture. I found that 6 cups was a bit too much, actually. I needed to heat up an extra 1/4th cup of the syrup, sugar and peanut butter just to get it all coated. By then it was really difficult to work with and clumped. A lot. I eventually got it into the block-like shape I wanted.



Now that the block was made, I melted the chocolate and butterscotch chips. The recipe calls for a bag of each but I only used 1/2 bag of each and it coated the whole thing pretty well. I just didn't like the consistency of the chocolate when it melted so I added a drop of almond milk. Still didn't come out creamy enough so I added a few pats of unsalted butter. Even then it didn't look right but I decided to spread it anyway. It had the consistency of peanut butter, so weird. Not sure what I did wrong, I put a pot of boiling water under the mixing bowl and allowed it to melt slowly while stirring.  I stretched it out over the whole thing, but it wasn't a thick layer. Why should it be anyway? Too much chocolate would take away from the rice krispies base, after all.


The final product was badass. When I cut it up for the baking tin (easier transport) a piece crumbled and so Tammy and I shared it. I think my piece was barely 1" x 1". But it was enough to taste the badassery. This was absolutely delicious. My only regret is forgetting to take a good pic of a single bar for display purposes. But I did get a few pics of the reactions to these bad boys.


These went over very, very well at the party, with the kids and adults alike. The kids were too busy running around to pose for pics, but they snubbed the regular food in favor of these- it made the parents furious. Sassy, you get two thumbs up!!


The best part of these things is that they're gluten-free, so even my father can enjoy them! There's your second thumbs up, my dear. An all-around hit! Thanks so much for posting and I will have to make these again someday.

And yes. *Sigh* That is Spongebob in the background. It was the theme of the party and Marcus' grandmother had the pleasure of dressing up and getting mauled by all the excited children hopped up on all that sugar. lol



Ingredients:
1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup sugar
1 cup peanut butter
6 cups Rice Krispies®
or 6 cups Cocoa Rice Krispies®
1 package (6 oz., 1 cup) semi-sweet chocolate morsels
1 cup butterscotch chips



Directions:

1. Place corn syrup and sugar into 3-quart saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring frequently, until sugar dissolves and mixture begins to boil.
2. Remove from heat. Stir in peanut butter. Mix well.
3. Add KELLOGG’S RICE KRISPIES cereal. Stir until well coated.
4. Press mixture into 13 x 9 x 2” pan coated with cooking spray. Set aside.
5. Melt chocolate and butterscotch chips together in 1-quart saucepan over low heat, stirring constantly. Spread evenly over cereal mixture.
6. Let stand until firm. Cut into 2 x 1” bars when cool.
Note:
Before measuring the corn syrup, coat your measuring cup with cooking spray—the syrup will pour easily out of the cup.

Semi-Healthy Turkey Manicotti

Well, this special 1,800 calorie a day diet I'm on has been kicking my ass. It's annoying, inconvenient and frustrating as hell, but like, at least my style of cooking and eating has completely changed which I'm kinda proud of. It took a lot of work and this was definitely a screw up that put me way over my caloric limit, and my stomach is still paying the price... but for those who want something decadent with half the guilt, this is the dish for you.



This was so good. Looking back, despite all my suffering, I'd do it again.


Ingredients
12 large manicotti tubes, cooked to al dente
2 lbs ground turkey
3 cloves of garlic, diced
1 Cup pepper, diced (any type or an assortment of colors is good, whatever suits your tastes)
1 Cup leeks, diced
1 1/2 Cups Part-Skim or fat free Ricotta cheese
Tomato Sauce, either leftover, jarred, canned, homemade, whatever
8 oz block of part-skim or fat free mozzarella cheese
1 Cup Parmesan-Romano cheese, separated
Italian herbs: Basil, Oregano, Parsley, Thyme, pepper
*The mixture needs an egg to help keep it together once you cut into it. I didn't have any eggs but really wish I did. You should use an egg, you'll be glad you did.



Okay, so first you want to sauté the peppers, leeks, garlic and ground turkey in a saucepan over medium heat until cooked, blended and chopped into smallish pieces with a wooden spoon. You can use grapeseed oil or cooking spray, whatever you want.



Put some herbs and spices in there while it's cooking if you want. Prepare the pasta sauce during this time too if it hasn't been already. Put up the manicotti tubes around now too, but don't let them cook too long or they'll rip and be a real pain in the ass to work with. And don't leave them in the water once done either because they keep cooking. Yeah, I learned this the hard way.



Preheat the oven to 375 F.

In a large mixing bowl, blend together the cooked turkey meat with the veggies, pour in the ricotta, extra spices, 3/4 of the cup of parmesan-romano and the egg once the stuffing has cooled down. Mix well. In the pan they're going to be cooked in, put a layer of pasta sauce so it doesn't burn.



Stuff the manicotti tubes with a spoon or pastry bag and lay them in a single layer in the baking dish, you can squeeze them together, it doesn't matter. Spoon more sauce over them when the dish is full, then sprinkle the grated mozzarella cheese over it, then the remaining 1/4 Cup of paremsan-romano, color it with parsley and/or basil and bake at 375 F for about 35-40 minutes.



Once it's done, let it rest a few minutes before serving. It really is too delicious to be diet food. I tried to do the math for how many calories and fat and stuff it would be per serving, came up with something like 386 calories and 22g fat per piece, but my math skills are horrible and I miscalculated a few things so if you're inclined to figure it out for yourself, maybe we can compare notes.
For now, just have fun, eat and enjoy.

Why Your Robot Without Eyes Has Failed.

Heinz Automato

See more like this on kontraband.com

Sometimes it's just easier to grab the bottle and squeeze it onto your plate yourself, you know?

Experiment Failed- ish.

I finally got to trying out slow-cooked stuffed mushrooms on sunday. It was a random idea given to me by Xtina from grouprecipes.com, she left it as a suggestion when I posted my slow-cooked stuffed peppers. (Those were awesome by the way, check them out here.) The mushrooms were stuffed with an experimental gluten-free mixture:

2 Packages of large white stuffing mushrooms
About 2 lbs. Ground chicken
1/2 of a Red and green pepper, diced
3 Garlic cloves, diced
All the mushroom stems, diced
Smoked paprika, onion and chili powder, parsley, garlic pepper, thyme.
Par-boiled rice, Rice flour, tapioca flour, potato starch, crushed up corn flakes, 1 egg.
It took TONS of flour and starch to get it to the right consistency- a trait I loathe in ground poultry. By the time I was done it looked more like salmon mousse. Had so much stuffing leftover that I ended up stuffing the rest of the peppers with it and baking them.
--

I used the tomato sauce leftover from the stuffed peppers last week, but there wasn't quite enough so I added 1 more 6 oz can of tomato paste, and since I didn't have any more sauce, I did something really stupid; I added a can of condensed tomato soup. Big, BIG mistake. Why? Because of two reasons: Mushrooms are very much like corn in the way that you should only cook it for a certain amount of time. Anything past that and they become rubbery. This slipped my mind, of course. The second thing is that tomato soup burns a lot quicker than sauce. I hate to tell you how bitterly burnt the sauce was, it came out downright awful. I was so disappointed, these could have been amazing but I fucked up.

Looked pretty damn good though.



Another thing was the consistency of the meat stuffing, which was watery and gross. With every bite I was paranoid that I was eating raw stuffing. It was piping hot and I know it had been cooking for 9 hours; prying the burnt mushrooms off the sides of the plastic lining was all the proof I needed, but it still felt raw in my mouth. Coupled with the chewy mushrooms and the bitter sauce, I couldn't eat it. What a waste. Tammy liked it, though she's an organic garbage disposal and will eat damn near anything.

The good news is that it's gluten-free so I plan on pawning it all off to my dad and my friend Dani. lol So yeah, first failed experiment of 2011. If you do try this at home, bake them at 375 F for no longer than 75 minutes. And for the love of all that's delicious--- omit the tomato soup!!