An Excuse AND a Rant. I Spoil You People.

I'm gonna be real with you folks right now. I haven't been online much lately. Not because I stopped caring about this blog-- on the contrary, I love writing for it and hope to do some guest blogging and building this site up in the coming months. But a lot of factors have been keeping me from contributing to this lately.

The wifi connection at my job sucks balls. I have zero techy skills and can't figure out what's wrong with my network adapter. Why is there a big red X between the little bench icon and the globe icon?? I have no goddamn idea! I click on the big red X and after loading a bunch of crap, it tells me to fuck with a modem I have no physical access to. ARRGHHHFUCKAGGRESSION!! On top of this, I just got a new, smaller laptop and the range is garbage. Even though the signal is five full bars and coming from right nextdoor, the fucking planets have to be aligned, Cthulhu must to rise out of his sleepytime grave and somehow magically force this thing to read the signal. *Sigh* You think it sucks for you, coming back here to check periodically and finding no updates? Imagine being stuck at a desk all night with no internet, and only old episodes of farscape and an illegally pirated copy of fishdom to keep you company. They don't pay me enough for this shit.

Another problem is health issues. Not sure if I've ever discussed this, but I have a condition known as epic spine fail. That's a technical term. I don't really like to talk about it, but it's sort of become an issue. Every 6 months I need to get epidurals in my lumbar spine just to continue working. In the months leading up to my next round of shots, the pain becomes increasingly bad and sitting for any length of time becomes unbearable. Cooking and food shopping get really difficult too, and I have nobody to help me. So when I'm in that state, keeping up with this site is damn near impossible. Usually once the shots are administered and the soreness goes away, I come back swinging for the fences.
This time the shots didn't go so well. The procedure was very, very hard on me, and this shitty work chair might as well be made of spikes. (This was partially due to squeezing in several root injections at once, and a moron resident who fucked up my IV three times. I look like a goddamn heroin addict right now!!)

Eh-hem. Anyway, I'm not telling you this to gain sympathy, I have no need for that. All I'm asking for is a little patience. I hope that in the next week or so I will be back to where I should be, so I can continue posting the insipid garbage you people don't even bother reading.

Not yet, anyway. SOON!

No Moo-Cow-Fuck-Milk in My Yogurt.

I'm on an inexhaustible quest to find dairy-free products that don't taste disgusting. Not because I'm lactose intolerant, I simply dislike it. This dislike goes way beyond that, especially as I grew into an adult and learned about all the horrible shit we do to cows during the milking process, both industrially, chemically and morally. There is no reason human beings should be ingesting the milk of another mammal. It's unhealthy and biologically disruptive, especially since they began using all those growth hormones and feeding cows stuff that makes them sick. I can get just as much calcium from a myriad of other, more wholesome sources without all that unnecessary fat. Aside from all these factors, to me it simply tastes like ass. Ever since I was a kid, I've hated cow milk. I used to lie and tell my teachers I was allergic, because they gave it to us all the time. Back in the good old days, we used to have parties in school with cake and were rewarded with cookies and milk when we did something well. Nobody worried about anybody getting fat or what kind of nasty poison they were putting in the cookies, and Cookie Monster had not yet began preaching his "sometimes food" bullshit that destroyed the damn show.

But I digress.

Milk was in everything, and the FDA pushed it on us like the neighborhood street pharmacist. Milk is good for your bones! It does a body good! Have four glasses of this shit a day! Milk was nasty ass butt toast of shit and I hated it the most out of everything drinkable on the earth, second only to tang. In fact, it took me a really long time to get used to cheese and yogurt for this reason. I still only like a small number of cheeses, and yogurts have to be loaded down with fruit and/or chocolate for me to touch them. Yet, I acknowledge that yogurt has cultures and stuff for my stomach and is good for me, plus I have the tooth issue. Now that all these food allergies are becoming a huge deal, companies are finally wisening up and putting out products that are dairy free, gluten free and soy free. There is an enormous market for them, mainly because the poisons in our food have messed us up so badly. In some cases, from birth.
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My first stray from regular moo cow yogurt came in the form of this strawberry greek yogurt mess. It was in the middle of my shift, 3 in the morning and I found myself starving, in 7-11 and unprepared for lunch. I saw this thing and decided to give it a try. I knew that it's made with sheep's milk, it's lower in fat and it's supposed to lack that typical yogurt bitterness. Well, the taste was weird. Weirder than the thick, sour cream-like consistency. I ate most of it on the way back to my building out of sheer hunger but my stomach voided before I reached the front door. Ugh, it was awful. My body said, "fuck no" and just evicted the stuff like an ungrateful squatter, all over the sidewalk. Never, never again. Just the thought of trying it a 2nd time to make sure makes me sick to my stomach.
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Alright, well my second dairy/gluten/soy free adventure in yogurt began when I laid eyes on this. It's yogurt made from coconut milk! At this point I had been drinking coconut milk for years and knew I loved the taste. I won't lie, my adventurous side went apeshit bonkers and I HAD to try it. Was it good? No. It wasn't as horribifuckus awful as the greek yogurt, but it took a lot of getting used to, and I barely finished it. As someone who loves anything coconut with a passion, this genuinely hurts me to say because I wanted to like it really badly. But I didn't. I even tired 3 different flavors just to be sure. Life is full of disappointments.
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Next up to be experimented with was Swiss yogurt, which is still made with moo cow fuck milk, but lower fat, and without all those unnatural bovine hormones. I had the exact opposite experience as with the coconut-- I really liked this. Once I got over the initial strength of the foretaste, it became creamy, silky, dessert-ish and very flavorful. I was surprised. This is a rare treat because of how expensive and hard to find it is, but I would recommend this taste test to anyone. They even have some odd flavors you won't find much in other brands, like green apple, black cherry and apricot. Ideal for the adventure-seeking foodie. Kudos to emmi for making a moo cow fuck milk product I actually enjoy.

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Next up on the list is almond yogurt, which is not easy to find on a google image search because of how new it is. I tried the strawberry Almond Breeze brand just earlier tonight from Whole Foods with some fresh assorted berries. Much like the swiss yogurt, it had a strong foretaste, (it was more like being punched in the forehead with the taste of almond) but mixed with the fruit it was divine. Now that I think about it, I never tried the coconut yogurt with fruit. Maybe I'll try it a 4th time this way, just for good measure. But yeah, almond yogurt is pretty good if you have it the right way, and really REALLY like almond. You can even bake with the stuff. It's sweet, creamy, much healthier for you and without all those harmful chemicals you won't even miss.

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Soy yogurt. Sadly, I have never tried this, mainly because I haven't gotten up the nerve yet. I think if I'm going to try any flavor, it will be the chocolate. I just can't imagine strawberry soy tasting any good, mainly because I'm not a terribly huge fan of soy. But, for the sake of adventurism and being thorough, I will have to try this next time I visit Trader Joe's.
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Rice yogurt is another one I haven't tried, but only because I just found out about it while doing google searches for this post. When I find it and give it a test drive, I'll be sure to let you know if it's any less disgusting than rice pasta.

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If you have any experiences with these types of yogurt and want to add something, wanna point out that some of my past recipes have used cheese, or just generally wanna tell me what a cow bigot I am, feel free to comment. I won't hold it against you, in fact I would probably agree. I'm a much thinner, happier person since I stopped ingesting moo cow fuck milk. You should try cutting it out, or at least down as well. You might find you enjoy some of this stuff better.


Just so you know, the "Moo Cow Fuck Milk" phrase isn't mine. It belongs to the greatest comedian of our age. No arguments!! Lewis Black is the best!!! Fuck you and your Dane Cook.

My First Smoothie. Ever

So, this was my first crack at Smoothie making. I took organic peaches, some random orange slices, honey dew melon and cantalope from a ready-made fruit salad, added a plum, goya pear nectar, about 2 Tbsp of honey, lime juice, ice cubes and mango yogurt. It was okay. 3 out of 5 stars. Not bad but I think I didn't pulse it well enough cos there were all sorts of little hard to eat particles in there that made it less than ideal. But still, not gonna give up, this is only the beginning. I'm hoping to make a pina colada one next. =D

There's no light in my kitchen. *Sigh* Anyway, I couldn't drink much of it so I put it into ice cube trays with toothpicks sticking out so my bf and I would have some cold sweets later on.

From Misfortune Comes Adventure

Behold, my awesome new blender. It's called The Ninja, and it's a thousand Watts of stainless steel kickassness, perfect for all your every day smoothie making and dead body disposing needs.

I tried to make it bigger but my resizing just made the picture grainy. Fuck it, you get the idea. This is what I get for using my shitty cameraphone.

So anyway, yeah. I've been having a lot of issues with my tooth so eating solid food has become problematic. It's a long saga, but suffice it to say it took an entire month to have the crater in my tooth filled in and the process isn't over yet so I'll be sipping most of my meals through a straw for a while. Ergo, I needed a blender. I've never made my own smoothie before, nor do I know jack shit about smoothie making, so this is going to be a fucking adventure.

Stay tuned to see what I manage to blow up first; the machine or my kitchen

Let's Talk Triangoli.

There are some underrated foods out there. Foods so good you can eat them plain, and can dress them up however and they still taste fantastic. I've discovered Trader Giotto's Butternut Squash Triangoli, and their awesomeness is off the charts.

It's from Trader Joe's, and if you haven't already been there, make plans to go very soon. Possibly today, because it will be raining monday and tuesday like a bitch. (At least here in NY) Is it really from Italy? Is the produce really organic? Nobody knows because the company is notoriously tight-lipped about where they get their supplies. All I know is that I can get stuff like this, microwaveable falafel, spicy lobster sushi rolls, a pint of chocolate ice cream made from coconut milk, olive tapenade, pea sprouts, fruit leather, creamy almond butter and about two dozen other, gourmet-level items suffed into two large paper shopping bags, all for under $30. I mean, this is like the Whole Foods for hipsters with a hometown feel. It's always crowded as hell but the prices and quality of the foods are well worth it to me. As for whether the food is what they say it is, and from where they say it's from, a large part of me is willing to live in blissful ignorance for now.

As long as I get to make meals like this a few times a week:

That's what I had before work today, and it was awesome. Better than awesome. So simple to make too. 

Ingredients:

1 Tbsp non-hydrogenated margarine, like Smart Balance

6 Butternut Squash Triangolis

1 1/2 cup raw Spinach

1 cup Pea shoots

Handful of cherry tomatoes, quartered

2 Tbsps Lime juice

1 Cup chopped Cilantro

1 Tbsp minced garlic

1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce

1/2 cup chopped Cippolini onions. (in case you don't know what they look like, here's a pic.)

Just like the powder, they're really sweet and delicious. But watch out, they're just as caustic to chop as regular onions. If you can't find cippolinis, regular small yellow onions will do.

Method: 

Boil the triangolis for about 3-5 minutes until soft. In the meantime, melt the margarine in a separate saute' pan. Add the onions, garlic and spinach. Stir until slightly caramelized and the spinach is wilted, about 3-4 minutes. Add the triangolis once they're done. Add the lime juice, cherry tomatoes, worcestershire sauce and cilantro. Saute' until blended and heated through, another 2-3 minutes. Add the pea sprouts raw when everything is arranged on the plate. You may add them to the pan the last minute or so to warm them up but they are best when crunchy. 

One package has about 3 servings worth of pasta in it, which means more awesome meals!

I made this earlier in the week. The only difference to this recipe is that it uses lemon juice, white wine, plum tomatoes, swiss chard and zucchini. Ugh, it came out so freakin' good. Eating like this is really helping me too. As of this week, I'm down to 165 lbs. Finally starting to see the shape I so enjoyed in my early 20's. I have about 20 lbs left to lose. Would you believe Tammy had me blown up to 220 lbs? At my height, it made me look like a sausage. *Shudders* I'll never go back. Thank you, Trader Joe's for showing me that good food doesn't always have to be steak and potatoes!

You should totally check them out.

Brown Rice And Beaners

Yeah, I had some leftover vegetarian beans from a small can I opened for something or other. Also made a fuckton of brown Rice for me to heat up during the week. Put the two together, sprinkle some fresh cilantro, onion or cippolini powder, adobo and lime juice... you got dinner. Or in my case, breakfast. I know I should probably be having more meat or greens with it, but truthfully this is about all I can stomach right now. Gimmie like 2 hours and I'll be craving a 7 course meal. LOL

Filling Up On Veggies

This is the dish that has yet to be named. Its an accompaniment to frozen shrimp specially designed to fill me up hardcore and overload my body with soluble fiber which I know I'm not getting enough of. This is a haphazard, unplanned combination of bok choy, zucchini, squash, spinach, swiss chard, fresh chives, garlic, cilantro and scallions, sautéed in a mixture of white cooking wine, lemon juice, non-hydrogenated margarine,  worcestershire sauce and dried dill. I also have my ultimate secret weapon which I only added a dash of-- cippolini powder! If you've never tasted it, you don't know what you're missing!

Imagine onion powder, but ground much finer, with a taste so sweet - sweeter than shallots- so sweet you can candy five-alarm chili with it. I make a sweet, smoky chili to begin with so I can't wait to try making it using this! The challenging part will be if it tends to make normally savory dishes a little too sweet. Gotta find the right balance. I just got the damn thing yesterday, indulge a guy some time to experiment, would ya'??
Look at the bright side, you can laugh at me when I screw up. Now go eat your veggies, dammit.