Thursday, December 30, 2010

Supah Slammin' Slow-Cooker Pork!! ZOMG

For those who don't know, I recently treated myself to a slow cooker/crock pot for a holiday gift (for myself) because I've been seeing all these amazing recipes for it and I've never owned one before.  The whole point was to find something I could prepare myself in 15 minutes before bed, set it and sleep the whole day, then have a really delicious meal ready when I wake up.

At first, Tammy was pissed that I'd gotten it, thinking that I wouldn't need her anymore, but I took a little while to sit her down and explain that the thing isn't her rival, it can be a tool *she* can use to make things easier on herself. So to reinforce this, I had her assist me in whipping something up for it yesterday morning. With the help of some plastic crockpot liners, she soon understood what a blessing this machine is. After the meal it came out with for us last night, I wonder how the hell I survived 32 years without one of these fucking things.

Oh. My. Fucking. God. Was this the bomb diggity. This raised the bar on bomb diggity.  This was like..... fucking phenomenal!!! This was like pure, holy, concentrated win in a bowl. Bad luck will avoid you for 24 hours by just having this in front of you. No joke.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, allow me to explain what you're looking at. I took a medium pork rump roast, nothing too fancy or expensive. (I don't remember the poundage) We cut up about 7 or 8 large white potatoes, skin and all. Diced up a large spanish onion, 3 cloves of garlic and one and a large red apple without the core. Tossed everything in except the meat. What I did was, in a separate bowl I crushed up about 1 Tbspn rosemary and thyme and a few dashes of smokehouse maple seasoning (which I love with a passion and put on nearly everything). Tossed it into the potato/onion/apple mix and tossed it until it was coated evenly. Then I mixed a little more of the herb mixture plus a dollop of honey and used it as a rub for the pork roast. Once that was done, I placed it on top of everything, filled the machine up about halfway with chicken stock and let it simmer for about 8 hours.

What I got was pure heaven. Neither of us could get over how amazingly good the food came out. I made a believer out of Tammy. And you know what the best part of this whole thing is??

I call dibs on leftovers!!! MWahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Perfect Christmas Gift For The Chef Who Has Everything.

LOL Yes, they're serious. Can you imagine actually getting this for someone? I'd never go over their house for dinner again. This isn't an original idea by the way, I've been fantasizing about jerking off into my dishes for years. At least you know my semen is clean. Not sure if I'd trust 99% of the semen stock out there with all those STDs running rampant. Dig? I wouldn't eat any of this stuff in a restaurant unless I see the chef's medical report first.

Still, might be worth looking at... y'know, for a gag gift or something. WAY more creative and original than a blow up sheep. I'm just sayin'.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thanksgiving. Blarg.

Yeah, so.....getting stuck doing a double-shift at work kinda demolished any hope for a decent preparation for my Thanksgiving dinner. Tammy and I were supposed to go shopping that Sunday but I went over the local circulars from online and recited a list for her over the phone. None of the supermarkets near me offered deliveries, and the other chains who did wouldn't deliver to my zip code. It was too short notice for Fresh Direct and frankly they're WAY too expensive. Tammy was a star though, I must admit, and got as much as she could with what little money she had. She even came to my job to keep me company and did more shopping while I caught a few hours rest.

There was an aggravating hangup Sunday night when I got back to work, my dad's stupid, annoying bitch of a girlfriend, Sher whom I would like nothing more than to bounce her head off the wall a few times... *Grumbles* ... left a voicemail on my phone. When I invited my old man a week before, he asked me if she was invited along with him and said if the answer was no, he wouldn't tell her about it. Well, I don't like her and didn't want her endless, retarded drama fucking up the mood of the party so I told him to leave her home. He swore he wouldn't tell her but my gut said different.  She sounded all sad on my voicemail saying he had told her I didn't want her at the party because she was a drama queen. Did I deny it? No. I may be a complete chauvinistic douchebag at times, but I will stand behind my douchebaggery. I told them both to stay home; fuck 'em. Pissed me off and left me in a real sour mood the entire night into the morning. When I got home on Monday morning for my weekend, I was straight up dumb tired, but the drama wouldn't leave. My old man kept calling me back telling me she wouldn't leave him alone until he told her and begged me to invite her along so we both could hear the end of it. As much as I hated giving into the insipid whims of a demanding cunt with a princess complex, I had no strength to argue.

So the sudden additional guest meant more food, more pressure and less room. I would never have gotten it all done without Tammy's help. But together, she and I pulled off Thanksgiving.

This is the spread we had going when guests began arriving. (Minus Camille's iced cappuccino blocking the view of Tammy's cheesy dip) Nearly the entire menu was gluten-free, which I'm very proud of, by the way. On the table from left to right, dishes are as follows: garlic spinach artichoke dip with veggies, Tammy's cheesy dip, my spicy/sweet pumpkin seeds, an elaborate cheese and deli meat platter, (cheddar, provalone, american, fresh mozzarella balls and monterey jack, ham, pepperoni, and prosciutto) with crackers and Tammy's stuffed mushrooms squeezed on to save room. Dark chocolate-covered pretzels, jar salsa, bigger rice crackers, tortillas and ridges. Up on the tree skirt next to Tammy's chipmunk plushies is her fried veggie eggrolls and wise honey BBQ cheese doodles. (Which are the bomb diggity, by the way, in case you've never had them)

I must say, out of all of this, Tammy's eggrolls and my spinach artichoke dip were probably the biggest hits.
I put the recipe up on grouprecipes if you're interested. I can't get you Tammy's eggroll recipe, she never writes anything down and never cooks something the same way twice.

Altogether, we had a decent turnout. I had to borrow a folding chair from Camille's house because we just didn't have enough seats. As is, because of Sher's impromptu appearance, we were still short a seat which was awkward. A host a heart, I sat on the floor.

Nick, my old boss and good friend came soon after, bringing more white wine. Sher made my old man so late, they didn't show up until after 8. Dani showed up as soon as she could get out of work, which wasn't long after that. We had salad with endives, spiced pumpkin soup, tilapia cakes with sliced lemon, potato au gratin, beef roulades stuffed with minced onion, garlic and bacon, and for dessert you had a choice between samoa cookies or italian 7 layer rainbow cookies. Dani promised me a birthday cake but since she came straight from work, that didn't happen. No problem, I love Dani like a sister but my GAWD is she an abysmal pastry chef. Last time she baked us an angel cake for a BBQ, it tasted like a dirty dish sponge. /=P

Sadly, because we entertained one more person than expected, we didn't have enough of the roulades to go around. And because I was so busy preparing, I failed to take pictures of everything. Though I did manage to get a shot of the fish cakes after I spent several hours mixing and shaping them.

 I don't have the recipe for you in exact measurements. I know it took a lot of eggs, a lot of potato starch, tapioca flour, xanthan gum, crushed corn flakes, red bell pepper, leeks and tons of herbs and spices... but it was like 2 in the morning, I was exhausted and I didn't keep track of what I haphazardly tossed in there. They came out really good though, they didn't taste gluten-free at all. In fact, three of the guests insisted on taking the leftovers home. I don't have a pic of these done, but they were not unlike their salmon predecessors that gave me the brilliant idea for this dish in the first place.

Did I ever show you these? About a week before the party, I made a single salmon fillet stretch for Tammy and I this way, along side spanish rice and beans with diced jalapeƱos. That recipe is on GR as well, but it's most definitely NOT gluten-free.

It's wasn't a bad party, but Sher was annoying and I wish I hadn't been pressured to invite her. She broke one of my wine glasses, and knocked a big bowl of soup to the floor, wasting it. She also contaminated Tammy's cheesy dip by putting her fork in it, leaving pieces of everything she ate floating around in it. It was gross; nobody touched it after that and Tammy was furious. A part of her still is. It pisses me off that annoying people get what they want simply by being more annoying. If you're not wanted somewhere, don't fucking show up. And if you manage to emotionally strongarm the people who influence that person, don't be a shitty guest. Mind your goddamn manners, pay attention to what you do, how you act and count your blessings because that dumb bitch didn't, and will not be invited next year no matter how much she cries on my voicemail.